**This is an excerpt from my first book, 'Choices--The Power is Within You.' This chapter is entitled Personal Power in Child-Rearing, and deals with the issue in relation to parents with children still in the home. This chapter focused on the female parent. A different chapter dealt with the male parent in relation to utilizing Personal Power.
Always keep an open communication with your child/children regarding your love for them and stress how they can come to you to express their feelings of being separated from dad or in some cases, mom. It needs to be repeated: Sincerely try not to speak negatively regarding the children's dad--period--especially in front of them, and don't sit idly by while allowing others to do so. Try to maintain a healthy, respectful relationship with your ex-spouse. If this is not possible at times, suggest he speak directly with the kids and remove yourself from a negative situation in a positive way. Perhaps you can agree to a drop off and pick-up point when exchanging the children from one place to another for visits. Be prompt and specific when talking of times and places to do this. Once you begin thinking ahead on these and other issues, you'll be able to come up with positive solutions that will benefit everyone involved. I must state: This in no way mean I advocate for or against separations or divorce. However I have witnessed atrocities subjected upon women for many reasons and many decades with the rationalization by many that because one is married, one must endure and therefore continue in such an environment. This simply is not true and people, women especially, need to be told and/or reminded of this.
In an ideal society, children would have what they need--both parents. Many times I get an outburst of indignation from single female heads of households when I make that statement. I certainly am not looking to alienate this particular group. As is common knowledge, through divorce, I too, am a single parent and know firsthand the challenges being in this position entails. But the simple truth is: Children get or 'learn' certain qualities from both parents. This applies to girls as well as boys. I have said many times in my seminars that although a mother can teach a boy manners, respect, a good work ethic, and all the other things we'd like them to exhibit, a woman simply cannot teach a boy to be a man. We need men to do that part of the teaching. We have not had the male experience. We can't know what it is like to experience the many changes their voices and bodies go through. Try as we may, we can't fully appreciate when they first begin to become attracted to females--sometimes based solely on physical attributes. We can certainly talk with them, express to them what we think they may be experiencing as best we can, but we cannot fully understand how they think, feel or relate to their experiences. Let's face it, there are some issues a male child would feel more comfortable talking with a responsible, male adult figure with. Not as an offense to the mom, but simply because he may feel we truly cannot, no matter how much we'd like to, understand the significance of his particular situation.
And although we can teach girls to be women, girls derive certain qualities or teachings from their dads that we aren't able to give. When a dad or significant male figure is absent from a girls' household, girls oftentimes look for acceptance and appreciation from other males. A dad can teach a girl that no matter what she may experience or go through, she has his unconditional love and support. This keeps girls from looking for male love in all the wrong places. With a strong, positive, role-model father figure in the picture, girls have less of a need to 'prove their love or self-worth to other males.' Mothers can teach girls how to respect themselves and others, but a dad can show girls how a man should really treat someone that he loves on a daily basis. Fathers can show how a family should be supported not just financially, but mentally and spiritually as well.
Another advantage to having a two-parent household deals with issues of stress, time and the feelings of being alone as we do the 'solo parent role.' Try as we may, when we have two or more children and both have a special event simultaneously, we cannot be in two places at once. We must choose which will take precedence, while trying to keep a balanced schedule of events that would be fair for each child. With two parents, the opportunity at least exists whereby each parent could attend an event. Flying solo means attempting to be involved in school events and other outside activities at different levels with siblings that are at different ages and stages in life. I am currently at the point where I have a child in high school, one in middle school and one in elementary. A juggling act for sure, when it comes to attending parent teacher conferences.
After a period of time, this could, but not necessarily lead to heightened feelings of stress, resulting in other health related issues for the single parent. And frankly, there are times when single parents sincerely want to share life's ups and downs with a partner. Someone to celebrate the family events and happenings as well as someone to bounce ideas from, assist in the rearing of children and many of the other decision-making processes that having a family entails.
Both parents add to and enhance the lifestyle and environment of the child when they both can contribute in positive, healthy ways to their upbringing. But when this is not the case, when you find yourself in a situation where either you or your children are constantly being abused and/or neglected on a regular basis, then perhaps you may want to look at your beliefs and re-examine which ones you are clinging to. It has been said that everything that happens in our lives we either promote, create or allow. What are you creating in your life?
Personal Power can be utilized on a daily basis to manifest what you'd like to create in YOUR life!
**The author realizes this chapter focused on parents of the 'opposite sex,' but she also celebrates same-sex couples that are parents as well. The articles' focus is on the children... separated from parents and suggests ways to make that separation and transition go more smoothly for all parties involved.
**Excerpt from 'Choices' was during the time in the author's life when her children were in grade school. They have since become healthy, adults that are living independently o their own.
Sherry Brantley is an Author, Speaker and Trainer. She is the Owner of S.T.E.P.P. Its Mission Statement: To assist people to make positive choices in their lives on a daily basis to effect positive change by tapping into and utilizing their Personal Power while accepting and respecting the Personal Power of others.
www.inspirationalvoice.com
S.T.E.P.P: Start To Exercise Personal Power
'STEPP Up To YOU!'
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